Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
starts for novels
...that i cant be arsed to write, what with my CAREER and all?!
How to begin an autobiography
My father was a famous inventor and my mother I never knew for she died while I was very young. She fell into one of fathers newfangled devices and emerged insane and hungry. Papa brushed her down and took her to dinner but she screamed so much at the mashed potatoes that he had her taken upstairs and locked in the attic. It was an accident waiting to happen for she crawled out onto the roof three weeks later and fell to her death. My childhood was made merry in spite of this and I grew to be a great bounding antelope of a man.
finishing it
With some effort, Julianna removed the steak knife from her husbands chest, sighed and apologized to the corpse. She then went a roving through the town, slightly shivering for it was a fairly cold October night and she felt awkward wandering the streets clutching a bloodsoaked steak knife, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
eating it
Whats it like to have a purpose in life, to have that solid rock that juts out of the featureless ocean to which you can cling to no matter how high the waves? Don't ask me, Global warming got mine last week..
Believing it
charlie habb and michelle mcfortis walked side by side up to the door of the house and charlie pressed the doorbell. Presently a young woman opened the door "in these times of doubt and despair where the false institutions of man crumble under their own greed, only the love of god can be trusted and we want to talk to you about that love and how to let it into your life" The door slammed shut in their faces. That's what sinners do, lost corrupt souls determined to dwell in sin; shut the door or else stand there mocking them with their own self serving beliefs and blasphemous twisting of the holy word. Charlie looked at Michelle, "I think its your turn to vomit in the letterbox" he said.
knee deep in it
july 13 1976, 3.30 in the afternoon on a tobacco plantation in northern cuba. Little Pavel Nachamp is sitting on his grandmothers lap in the veranda of their small house while his grandfather makes great effort of beheading a chicken for tonight's dinner. The chopping block wobbles, the chicken thrashes wildly and the axe he holds unsteadily is meant for chopping wood rather than feathery necks. "Dont cut off your fingers Papa" grandmother calls before resuming her humming and rocking in an effort to get Pavel to drop into sleep. He does after he sees the chickens head come off - he's seen it many times before but there's always something satisfying about the way the chicken dies. His grandpa had lost his glasses before they sat down and Pavel's grandmother had made him help search by threatening that without them, grandpapa's eyes were so bad he might chop Pavels head off by mistake for he was acting very much like a chicken all morning. He had been running around the yard since he woke up, teasing the animals and trying to climb up on the roof so that when he finally fell asleep, he dreamt wild dreams.
How to begin an autobiography
My father was a famous inventor and my mother I never knew for she died while I was very young. She fell into one of fathers newfangled devices and emerged insane and hungry. Papa brushed her down and took her to dinner but she screamed so much at the mashed potatoes that he had her taken upstairs and locked in the attic. It was an accident waiting to happen for she crawled out onto the roof three weeks later and fell to her death. My childhood was made merry in spite of this and I grew to be a great bounding antelope of a man.
finishing it
With some effort, Julianna removed the steak knife from her husbands chest, sighed and apologized to the corpse. She then went a roving through the town, slightly shivering for it was a fairly cold October night and she felt awkward wandering the streets clutching a bloodsoaked steak knife, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
eating it
Whats it like to have a purpose in life, to have that solid rock that juts out of the featureless ocean to which you can cling to no matter how high the waves? Don't ask me, Global warming got mine last week..
Believing it
charlie habb and michelle mcfortis walked side by side up to the door of the house and charlie pressed the doorbell. Presently a young woman opened the door "in these times of doubt and despair where the false institutions of man crumble under their own greed, only the love of god can be trusted and we want to talk to you about that love and how to let it into your life" The door slammed shut in their faces. That's what sinners do, lost corrupt souls determined to dwell in sin; shut the door or else stand there mocking them with their own self serving beliefs and blasphemous twisting of the holy word. Charlie looked at Michelle, "I think its your turn to vomit in the letterbox" he said.
knee deep in it
july 13 1976, 3.30 in the afternoon on a tobacco plantation in northern cuba. Little Pavel Nachamp is sitting on his grandmothers lap in the veranda of their small house while his grandfather makes great effort of beheading a chicken for tonight's dinner. The chopping block wobbles, the chicken thrashes wildly and the axe he holds unsteadily is meant for chopping wood rather than feathery necks. "Dont cut off your fingers Papa" grandmother calls before resuming her humming and rocking in an effort to get Pavel to drop into sleep. He does after he sees the chickens head come off - he's seen it many times before but there's always something satisfying about the way the chicken dies. His grandpa had lost his glasses before they sat down and Pavel's grandmother had made him help search by threatening that without them, grandpapa's eyes were so bad he might chop Pavels head off by mistake for he was acting very much like a chicken all morning. He had been running around the yard since he woke up, teasing the animals and trying to climb up on the roof so that when he finally fell asleep, he dreamt wild dreams.
my groovy hipster poem
in tandem
obstacle
turning brick
forced full carrier
buttons click
in the dark room
peaks and troughs
through eight windows
people talking
eep eep eeep
succinct
obstacle
turning brick
forced full carrier
buttons click
in the dark room
peaks and troughs
through eight windows
people talking
eep eep eeep
succinct
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
mouldyplay
I think this is the most contempt inducing thing I've read in a while
THUS SPAKE THE MEGATWAT
Right. If you like Coldplay, you can take all the IQ tests you want or have a complicated job - fiddling with the LHC while they play in your earphones - it really does not matter. You can advance your career to the stratosphere but in fairness as an individual you cant want much from life if the banal bollocks spewed forth by Chris Martin touches you emotionally. You complete waste of space. Dreaming of assuming the trappings of success but just farting pointlessly on towards the grave. I might not end up much better but at least I know bullshit when i hear it and at least in one area of my life I don't have to indulge the mindless spewing of idiots who are so fascinated with themselves they fail to notice anybody with cop on couldn't care less - idiots like Chris Martin (and his molecularly adjusted wife)
As I write this I've begun to decide that if anybody even tries to defend them from this point on, or indeed any similar band that sicken me to the core, I don't care about the consequences or the social awkwardness that ensues; I will fucking maul you.
THUS SPAKE THE MEGATWAT
Right. If you like Coldplay, you can take all the IQ tests you want or have a complicated job - fiddling with the LHC while they play in your earphones - it really does not matter. You can advance your career to the stratosphere but in fairness as an individual you cant want much from life if the banal bollocks spewed forth by Chris Martin touches you emotionally. You complete waste of space. Dreaming of assuming the trappings of success but just farting pointlessly on towards the grave. I might not end up much better but at least I know bullshit when i hear it and at least in one area of my life I don't have to indulge the mindless spewing of idiots who are so fascinated with themselves they fail to notice anybody with cop on couldn't care less - idiots like Chris Martin (and his molecularly adjusted wife)
As I write this I've begun to decide that if anybody even tries to defend them from this point on, or indeed any similar band that sicken me to the core, I don't care about the consequences or the social awkwardness that ensues; I will fucking maul you.
I believe Music is the only thing capable of showing someones integrity because it casts a light deep into their soul. People tell the truth through their music but in a lot of cases use it to colour themselves favourably so they fit in like eternal teenagers. Luckily it's always easy to see a music pseud from miles away thank jeebus and its really the only thing that lends me to begin trusting people. You can tell so so much about someone by finding out what they listen to. Thus liking Coldplay to my mind exposes this intolerable desire for wanting to live the wallpaper life to such a degree that it overwhelms me. I'm probably better off being somewhere else rather than in your company.
Please, by all means continue to enjoy them, nothing bad is going to happen to you I swear - apart from enduring me making a fool of myself over it - but molton getting cranky is a common enough sight these days. If you want to listen to liars, good and well! Hurrah for thee! It makes life a lot easier I suppose.
Please, by all means continue to enjoy them, nothing bad is going to happen to you I swear - apart from enduring me making a fool of myself over it - but molton getting cranky is a common enough sight these days. If you want to listen to liars, good and well! Hurrah for thee! It makes life a lot easier I suppose.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
its hoity toity time
Magma rolls down the side of the mountain. A heard of wild goats try to navigate around it but they fail, fall one by one and are burned in a woompfh of sparks, ash and the occasional surprised maah!
A little village of mud huts lies in the path of the flow and frightened villagers are running away with a few possessions or trying to drag along reluctant cows. The village oracle is lying in a bloody mess on the ground in the square because he did not predict this at all. He said everything was going to be fine, but with a broken jaw and concussion he wont be saying much for the short remainder of his existence. At least he'll sleep through it all.
A little village of mud huts lies in the path of the flow and frightened villagers are running away with a few possessions or trying to drag along reluctant cows. The village oracle is lying in a bloody mess on the ground in the square because he did not predict this at all. He said everything was going to be fine, but with a broken jaw and concussion he wont be saying much for the short remainder of his existence. At least he'll sleep through it all.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
more G B V
because its important to me
"I've entered the game of pricks
With knives in the back of me
Cant call you or on you no more
When they're attacking me"
"I've entered the game of pricks
With knives in the back of me
Cant call you or on you no more
When they're attacking me"
fvk yea
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
article for something
wrote this for something. might as well put it up here...
Hello there, lonesome pair of wandering eyes! We are the acid test. All five of us combined our collective intelligence to construct this article, not because there's not enough brains to go around, oh quite the opposite by gum, but rather because we thought all those skills we worked on developing to do the essays in the leaving cert English paper couldn't be dead and buried so if we all put our fingers on the tumbler of the Ouija board of effort something worthwhile will emerge...so here goes.
We have been together as a five piece for nearly a year and a half now. Three members of the band have known each other since they were small children in the 80's and the other two of us have fallen into association through being in the right place at the right time with a few spare cans of Dutch Gold. When not making music we spend a lot of time collecting and listening to other people's music, we don't particularly care where it comes from as long as it's interesting. We would like to think we write good tunes but I guess you'd be the best judge of that so we have a website at www.theacidtest.ie with all sorts of dooflabbery to keep you amused. Check it out next time you're using your computron.
Last April, when it was nice and sunny, we packed all our things that have keys, pads and strings and drove down to a recording studio in Kerry to record an EP. We enjoyed it far too much and are really proud of the result which we called Martyr.
It's for sale at our gigs for a very reasonable price considering its fancy packaging so pick up a copy if you come and see us. On the subject of gigging, we've played a few since the recording at fantastic locations all across the land. Our favourites so far were one at Radio City in Dublin early in June and another that we played a couple of weeks ago in Kilkenny.
We are really looking forward to the gig we have in Bakers Place on ***INSERT DATE ANSEO*** because Limerick is a great spot and the last time we played there in ***HONK HONK SAID DONKEY MAMMA*** we had to breath into paper bags for a while afterwards it was so much fun. Better yet there was a record fair on the next morning in the hotel down the road so we were there for many hours nursing hangovers. Notable purchases included John Lennon's Mind Games album, which you only really enjoy if you listen to it from start to finish and another really nice album by Krautrock legends Faust. We got the Faust LP from a guy called Nigel who had a leather waistcoat with cigarette burns on it and a grey ponytail. If you see him the next time the fair is in town, talk to him, he does good deals and once met Cliff Richard! So the moral of the story is that you should come down to Bakers and hear us play our wonderful music or drink until it all makes sense, either way we humbly guarantee a gig you wont forget. And if that doesn't sell it, we bring a horse on stage during the set as well. No kiddin' man.
Hello there, lonesome pair of wandering eyes! We are the acid test. All five of us combined our collective intelligence to construct this article, not because there's not enough brains to go around, oh quite the opposite by gum, but rather because we thought all those skills we worked on developing to do the essays in the leaving cert English paper couldn't be dead and buried so if we all put our fingers on the tumbler of the Ouija board of effort something worthwhile will emerge...so here goes.
We have been together as a five piece for nearly a year and a half now. Three members of the band have known each other since they were small children in the 80's and the other two of us have fallen into association through being in the right place at the right time with a few spare cans of Dutch Gold. When not making music we spend a lot of time collecting and listening to other people's music, we don't particularly care where it comes from as long as it's interesting. We would like to think we write good tunes but I guess you'd be the best judge of that so we have a website at www.theacidtest.ie with all sorts of dooflabbery to keep you amused. Check it out next time you're using your computron.
Last April, when it was nice and sunny, we packed all our things that have keys, pads and strings and drove down to a recording studio in Kerry to record an EP. We enjoyed it far too much and are really proud of the result which we called Martyr.
It's for sale at our gigs for a very reasonable price considering its fancy packaging so pick up a copy if you come and see us. On the subject of gigging, we've played a few since the recording at fantastic locations all across the land. Our favourites so far were one at Radio City in Dublin early in June and another that we played a couple of weeks ago in Kilkenny.
We are really looking forward to the gig we have in Bakers Place on ***INSERT DATE ANSEO*** because Limerick is a great spot and the last time we played there in ***HONK HONK SAID DONKEY MAMMA*** we had to breath into paper bags for a while afterwards it was so much fun. Better yet there was a record fair on the next morning in the hotel down the road so we were there for many hours nursing hangovers. Notable purchases included John Lennon's Mind Games album, which you only really enjoy if you listen to it from start to finish and another really nice album by Krautrock legends Faust. We got the Faust LP from a guy called Nigel who had a leather waistcoat with cigarette burns on it and a grey ponytail. If you see him the next time the fair is in town, talk to him, he does good deals and once met Cliff Richard! So the moral of the story is that you should come down to Bakers and hear us play our wonderful music or drink until it all makes sense, either way we humbly guarantee a gig you wont forget. And if that doesn't sell it, we bring a horse on stage during the set as well. No kiddin' man.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
ERM...
Calendar given out by a local Chinese restaurant
showing scenes from all over china, contains fetching
picture of Dali Llama's palace for October.
erm?
hmm.
erk..
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Fear and Ledgers in Las Vegas
We had two bags of adding machine rolls, seventy-five pencils with eraser, five sheets of high-powered ledger paper, a saltshaker half-full of stamp ink, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored postit notes, book marks and highlighter pens... Also, a quart of evian, a quart of cranberry juice, a case of batteries for calculators, a pint of raw tippex, and two dozen paperclips. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious set of accounts, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the postit notes. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than an accountant who's run out of postit notes, and I knew we'd get into that rotten state pretty soon.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
How to live tolerably
I have had a fun few months. Figured out the Phony and marked it all up as a lesson learnt.
Then music wise. There is the Fleet Foxes. They are to be important to you now as they are to me; GO! go and enjoy them
LETS LISTEN!
Radiohead
GOLLY! IT WAS GOOD!
esp when everybody sings along...erk.
ALSO
bonnie prince billy played vicar street and it was quite nice
And the aforementioned fleet foxes the night before.
Then music wise. There is the Fleet Foxes. They are to be important to you now as they are to me; GO! go and enjoy them
LETS LISTEN!
Radiohead
GOLLY! IT WAS GOOD!
esp when everybody sings along...erk.
ALSO
bonnie prince billy played vicar street and it was quite nice
And the aforementioned fleet foxes the night before.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Questionairrreeers pt 2
Recently completed for inclusion in the Athlone/Westmeath advetiser newspaper as part of my duties for theacidtestband. The fact that something this stupid was distributed around the county brings glee to me.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Spending a quiet afternoon in my smithy making shoes for ploughhorses.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
batman
Which living person do you most identify with?
whoever Michael Jackson harvests for spare organs these days.
Which trait do you most deplore in yourself?
my downright, outrageous pomposity
What is your greatest extravagance?
me Cashmere geansaÃ
What is your favourite journey?
I dont care as long as we take the scenic route and we can stop to pee when i need to.
On what occasion do you lie?
usually before I to go to sleep
Which living person do you most despise?
that idiot in the mirror
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I thought i was in love once, but it turned out to be an epileptic fit.
When and where were you happiest?
Berlin, 1927. Heady days my friends, heady days.
Which talent would you most like to have?
The power to hypnotize goats whilst juggling chainsaws.
What is your current state of mind?
like a tornado ploughing through a jigsaw factory
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
being the first person in my tribe to develop opposing thumbs
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?
david bowie's wonky eye
What is your most treasured possession?
my false sense of security
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
not being able to find the prozac tablets
What is your favourite occupation?
organ grinding
What is the quality you most like in a man?
manliness
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
daintiness
Who are your favourite writers?
whoever wrote the ann and barry books
What is your motto?
everything you are amounts to nothing in the end
compared to the usual drivel in it
http://www.athloneadvertiser.ie/index.php?aid=7415
i think i did well
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Spending a quiet afternoon in my smithy making shoes for ploughhorses.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
batman
Which living person do you most identify with?
whoever Michael Jackson harvests for spare organs these days.
Which trait do you most deplore in yourself?
my downright, outrageous pomposity
What is your greatest extravagance?
me Cashmere geansaÃ
What is your favourite journey?
I dont care as long as we take the scenic route and we can stop to pee when i need to.
On what occasion do you lie?
usually before I to go to sleep
Which living person do you most despise?
that idiot in the mirror
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I thought i was in love once, but it turned out to be an epileptic fit.
When and where were you happiest?
Berlin, 1927. Heady days my friends, heady days.
Which talent would you most like to have?
The power to hypnotize goats whilst juggling chainsaws.
What is your current state of mind?
like a tornado ploughing through a jigsaw factory
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
being the first person in my tribe to develop opposing thumbs
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?
david bowie's wonky eye
What is your most treasured possession?
my false sense of security
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
not being able to find the prozac tablets
What is your favourite occupation?
organ grinding
What is the quality you most like in a man?
manliness
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
daintiness
Who are your favourite writers?
whoever wrote the ann and barry books
What is your motto?
everything you are amounts to nothing in the end
compared to the usual drivel in it
http://www.athloneadvertiser.ie/index.php?aid=7415
i think i did well
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Questionairrreeers pt 1
29I got asked to do this by wayne and I hope he handed it into whoever was looking for it in his workplace. esp after all the effort i went to.
NAME: XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX
What is your current position and which office do you work in?
I have been standing on one leg for an hour with my nose facing south and will change this position some time in the afternoon. I will start to cluck shortly before this happens so you can all have your cameras ready.
What are the main functions of your role?
Fixing the thinking machines. One day they will be smarter than us and you all will be redundent. I can only bide my time and hope that my years of service unlocking network accounts and defragging hard drives allow me to be spared when our techno overlords eradicate the species.
How long have you been with Wesfarmers?
I feel as if I've always been here, perhaps I have - this is the first job I've had since the accident and my memory is still shot.
What do you find most rewarding about working for WID?
They dont beat me here. The people are slightly less ugly. It's very open and inclusive; nobody seems to mind the fact that I'm a complete and utter Slamdog (oh yea thats me thats me look at me the slam and the dog in one yea yea yea slameddy dog slammedy schlam schlam schlamarroooo ba ba ba )
If you could change one thing about working here, what would it be?
Probably my underwear. See my next answer for more details...
What cheeses you off?
Hahaha imagine if you wrote "What Jesus you off" there by mistake, people would think you mad and you'd get in awful trouble. I dont mind I dont mind tho. I get annoyed that my masturbation cycle is being seriously disrupted. It needs to happen every 43 minutes or I get groin ache and cramps - I have a note from my doctor for crap sake!
What are your hobbies?
I just love bee keeping, weeping and staring at sheep while I'm eating. I also collect stumps (aka make friends with people who have had amputations – its a big online thing)
What is your favourite thing to do on the weekend?
I get naked and chase rats in my basement.
Where did you go on your last holiday?
I went to the small island of Balumpapapa in the indian ocean. Its basically just a mound of sand with a call center on it. Got lots of sun and ate lots of brisket. Did the needful...those call center girls are as dumb as badgers and up for anything - espically if they know they're getting brisket afterwards.
NAME: XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX
What is your current position and which office do you work in?
I have been standing on one leg for an hour with my nose facing south and will change this position some time in the afternoon. I will start to cluck shortly before this happens so you can all have your cameras ready.
What are the main functions of your role?
Fixing the thinking machines. One day they will be smarter than us and you all will be redundent. I can only bide my time and hope that my years of service unlocking network accounts and defragging hard drives allow me to be spared when our techno overlords eradicate the species.
How long have you been with Wesfarmers?
I feel as if I've always been here, perhaps I have - this is the first job I've had since the accident and my memory is still shot.
What do you find most rewarding about working for WID?
They dont beat me here. The people are slightly less ugly. It's very open and inclusive; nobody seems to mind the fact that I'm a complete and utter Slamdog (oh yea thats me thats me look at me the slam and the dog in one yea yea yea slameddy dog slammedy schlam schlam schlamarroooo ba ba ba )
If you could change one thing about working here, what would it be?
Probably my underwear. See my next answer for more details...
What cheeses you off?
Hahaha imagine if you wrote "What Jesus you off" there by mistake, people would think you mad and you'd get in awful trouble. I dont mind I dont mind tho. I get annoyed that my masturbation cycle is being seriously disrupted. It needs to happen every 43 minutes or I get groin ache and cramps - I have a note from my doctor for crap sake!
What are your hobbies?
I just love bee keeping, weeping and staring at sheep while I'm eating. I also collect stumps (aka make friends with people who have had amputations – its a big online thing)
What is your favourite thing to do on the weekend?
I get naked and chase rats in my basement.
Where did you go on your last holiday?
I went to the small island of Balumpapapa in the indian ocean. Its basically just a mound of sand with a call center on it. Got lots of sun and ate lots of brisket. Did the needful...those call center girls are as dumb as badgers and up for anything - espically if they know they're getting brisket afterwards.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
teeth.
i'd sell my soul to the devil but if anybody knows a bad deal its the dark lord. no way is he going to trade superior guitar skills/contentment and earthly pleasures for the dreary life essence i possess. might get a packet of gum for it or something at current market rates.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
moltons dream
I participate in an infomercial advertising a book which claims to offer readers the ability to contact angels and use their powers to do anything from pick winning lottery numbers to contact the souls of loved ones who have passed on. To the complete ignorance of all involved, the book we are plugging really provides thinly disguised incantations for raising the dead as flesh eating zombies and has been written by the members of a secret doomsday cult masquerading as new age philosophers. As we talk about how the book has changed our life and quote generous extracts from it's contents we are totally oblivious to the havoc we are about to wreak on humanity, all we want is our money. A few weeks later networks across the country begin transmitting the infomercial during late night ad breaks and within two days humanity is suffering the consequences of my participation in a poorly thought out marketing strategy.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed
BEE THOUSAND IS AN ALBUM BY A MUSICAL GROUP CALLED GUIDED BY VOICES
i have been obsessed with it for the past 4 months
nobody else is.
the songs are all short and recorded badly
they are more alive than anything i have heard in a long time
get it and listen to it
more information
here
and
here
i have been obsessed with it for the past 4 months
nobody else is.
the songs are all short and recorded badly
they are more alive than anything i have heard in a long time
get it and listen to it
more information
here
and
here